What are you going to do with your life?

Julian: "Mama, could you get me a slide whistle...sometime in the next nine months?"
Mama: "For playing in the Pep Band at the football games?"
Julian: "Yes. A slide whistle is an absolute must. It's a serious gap in my arsenal of wind instruments."

(All 17-year old Julian wants for Christmas this year is a Graphing Calculator):
Julian: "I want the 'ti84 plus ce graphing calculator'. The other model is so 1990s."
Mama: "It's not a fashion accessory."
Julian: "It is for me -- it's the closest I will get to a fashion accessory."

You don't know anything about Trigonometry, Mama? What are you going to do with your life?

The Lost Files from 12/07 (2 years old)

Newly found, lost file entries from 12/07 (aka Juju at two.):

"Close the curtains. My eyes are bright."

My friend Carlos was over and Julian ran into the room and announced "I'm a Polack!"

"I want to listen to The Magic Flute. It's my music."

While looking at an airplane contrail: "The airplane is going fast. It is going out of his skin." (Like the caterpillar shedding in the book we've been reading)

Throwing slippers into the air: "I'm juggling burritos!"

We've made a running route weaving through the house. Julian has a tradition of carrying his wooden sandwich with him and stopping every so often along the route to eat some. "Let's run around!" followed by "I need to get my sandwich."

"I'm a flying bird. I fly way way up high in the sky."

Not a symposium.

Leave me alone, I'm in The Zone, just vibin'.

You've been in my room long enough. What do you think this is, a symposium?

You're harshing my groove.

Hey Mama, hunger compels me!

None of your earwax.

Stop snuffing out my Flames of Youth!

How did you manage to be so incredibly annoying Mama?

(During online drivers ed): Speedometer, doo dooo doo doo do...Speedometer, doo do do do...

You're too enthusiastic Mama. You have to read the mood. Sometimes it's OK to be enthusiastic, other times you need to just chill.

You're so great Mama. I acknowledge your greatness.

Mama: What's so funny? 
J: None of your earwax.

Brainwash

Mama: Is there anything you are feeling grateful for today?
Julian: I'm grateful to have something to be grateful for, I'm grateful to be able to be grateful, and I'm grateful that somebody wants to know what I'm grateful for.

Which superpower would your rather have, Baba? Teleportation or Telekinesis? Pre-cognition or Telepathy? Telepathy could be interesting--you could learn other people's skills, learn languages...  Would you rather be able to manipulate gravity or electromagnetic fields? I find Intangibility very interesting...

I respectfully disagree with that notion.

Isn't childhood just a time for parents to brainwash their kids with their own beliefs?

I'm trying to get my breakfast, but I have to go through the gauntlet of Mama.

A few words from Juju...

Mama, would you rather have legs for fingers, or fingers for legs?

Don't sigh in my general direction.

See that Ninja Chef in the ceiling fan?

It's cold out there. It nips my knobbly knees.

Harvest the power.

Am I as stealthy as a bull walrus on the prowl?

(Stock still, eyes wide): ...Your breath just gave me PTSD.

The stoplight posts here in Denver are so meaty!

Mama: You better pick some good chores to do today.
J: I'm going to be the Chief Lounger.

(Listening to George Benson's "Gonna Love You More"): This is the kind of music I need to get happy enough to do the dishes!

Cheese is the essence of evil...It's the way it looks at you, like it's plotting something.

Mama: I need to go water the garden.

J: Let the beauty of the garden envelope you and push you along in your task.

Do you think you could jump a little higher when the moon is directly overhead? Wait, you can jump the highest when there's a total eclipse of the sun right overhead! And if you get enough leaf blowers under you...WHOOSH!

Mama: All this work is crushing.
Julian: Harvest the power of dark energy. It's what keeps the universe from crushing into itself. It sounds perfect for you!

(While preparing to evacuate):
J: I removed your hard drive, Mama. It's in this basket. Do not drop it! Also, I cut down that little Bay tree that was right next to the house growing under the eave.
Mama: And are you really going to take that giant frog (stuffed animal)?
J: Of course!!!

Not even to the toes yet.

Mama: Julian, time to put away the book and go to sleep.
Julian: I have to finish. I'm in the middle of a footnote. I haven't even gotten to the toes yet.

I don't like my room to be too clean, Mama. That's not how I roll.

The salad spinner spins for 23 seconds with one pull!

Baba, how hot is it out there on a scale of "You should not go unicycling" to "It's OK for you to go unicycling"?

Mama: Julian, how did you learn all that info about fire management?
Julian: I don't know, I just picked up knowledge here and there and stitched it together.

Don’t you love how it feels when you jump in the pool and the bubbles go up your body?

I'll be back in a pinch.

We are all time travelers

I scattered your laundry around your room to protect you from repetitive motion injuries. Also it gives you something soft to land on in case you fall. After all, it's not the fall that's the problem, it's the landing.

Not much can be hidden from a quiet, watchful child with good eyes.

Mama. How are rust and fire similar? Rust is oxidation, fire is rapid oxidation, which creates heat, which is why you don’t find cold fire very often. 

They should invent eating gloves.

Is it possible to paint a room so much that there’s no longer room to live in it?

The oil in Eucalyptus trees is highly flammable. I wonder if cars could run on eucalyptus oil. Eucalyptus oil is too expensive, though, right?

Oopsalan Poopsalan Mobile Hair Salon

What is the solid with the lowest viscosity?

(After some crazy singing): Do you love my beautiful, floundering harmonics?

I like the ideas in Buddhism. They seem very wise. So far, it’s the religion that seems to make the most sense.

Do you ever bet yourself? I bet myself $10 a lot.

I won $10. I just bet myself that you would come up and tell me to take a shower.

We are all time travelers.

Do you know how suction cups work? The air pressure drops when the air gets pushed out. Then the air outside the suction cup pushes against it. Do you know how we survive the air pressure that is pushing on us from outside of us? Because we breath air into our bodies which neutralizes the pressure.

Mama (assessing her newly-baked loaf): Hey, this is killer bread!
J: No, life-giver!

#HashTagLegit

How many eyes do I have, Mama? Seven. Two, plus two in the back of my head, my third eye, my mind's eye and my soul's eye.

When you reach a fork in the road, go to the nearest restaurant.

I'm full. I'm like, totally hash-tag-legit full.

--------------------------
And now, here is something fun Juju and Baba made some years back to gift a friend. The former shoebox had a few goodies inside, too.

Unfair! Preposterous! Totally untubular!

I need to put some oil on my [sunburned] shoulders. They don't hurt anymore, but they're unsightly.

How close would you have to be to a supernova to get a lethal dose of neutrinos?

I wonder how many miles my nose has run.

I learned how to fell trees yesterday. (Been reading County Wisdom and Know-How)

I come over here to put the jam on my sandwich, because it splooshes.

(During heatwave): Mama, should we put out a pail of water for the deer?

Unfair! Preposterous! Totally untubular!

Baba reads Botany in a Day at night and I read it in the day.

J: Do you know how the pistal developed?
Mama: No, how?
J: The fertile leaves got curled in and fused together to protect the ovules.
Mama: Ha! I thought you were talking about guns and you were talking about flowers!

Can you sound mean saying "bubbles"?

Can you sound mean saying "bubbles"? Try it. There's no way to make it sound mean.

I'm supposed to come up with a "big question" for my science project. Maybe calculate the velocity of an unladen swallow?

I'm kind of partial to tetrahedrons.

We used to have a bunch of dried fruit around. And now they're gone...like pickles in the wind.

Mama: Don't forget you're grounded today.
Julian: You might think so, but I'm not, really. I'm in the air, not grounded.

Mama: Julian, please stop squealing!
J: My voice is going to change and I won't be able to anymore, so I want to take advantage of it!

(After giving her a hug): Mama, you've suddenly gotten really short.

Mama, please make more plantains. I love them--make six next time. I think they're stretching out my palette.

Mama, if you didn't know the word irrelevant or relevant, what would you think it meant?

Do you know how to pop your eyeballs out? Go too deep.

What-cha-talkin' about? Shitake mushrooms about!

Thumbs up for thumbs.

We're so lucky to have thumbs! I'm trying to make a breakfast without using my thumbs. It's so difficult!

Sometimes I don't like to see pictures in books, because you end up thinking along the lines of "Oh, I've been thinking of it wrong all along".

Baba: Why don't you eat the pizza European-stye?
Julian: I use whatever finger food I can muster.

Do you know how to manufacture a burp?

I figured out the perfect thing to do an a rainy day. Play Legos while listening to an audio book in a fort in your room.

[Julian told Mama a math problem she couldn't answer. He didn't want tell her the answer, insisting she figure it out for herself.] You're trying to double me up, twist me and squeeze the answer out of me, Mama!

I don't know why I have these sudden excitement spikes, do you?

Suzuki: Wait Julian, I don't see "wash dishes" on your chart.
Baba: Yeah, he was supposed to have a "chores" section on there.
Suzuki: Maybe we should call them "duties" instead of "chores". Better connotations.
Julian: If I do "chores", I get money for them.
Baba: Hey, I don't get money for doing chores.
Julian: That's because you don't have "chores", you have "duties", Baba.

I'm throwing rotten tomatoes at you in my mind.

Wow, that's amazing--honey has such powerful surface tension!

Mama, Baba, you both should just surrender. You shouldn't have to have the last say. I know, it's hard for me, too, not to have the last say.

(Later) Suzuki: I like what you said to diffuse the argument earlier, about not having to have the last say.
Julian: You taught me that one time.

Good job, Mama. You said "sorry" for what you did. You did a general good job.

Julian: What's for dinner?
Suzuki: Rice and bean tacos.
J: Don't you guys have anything else up your sleeves? You've been faltering lately.

Mama, remember the time I put a carrot slice in your pants pocket, and you found it like a year later?

SOLD to the Man With The Walrus Mustache.

I'm not sure why, but I can never say "hi" for someone else (like on the phone, so-and-so says "hi"). It's really hard for me. I can't be a "hi" transfer machine.

I'm going down memory lane with my scars.

I was with a chicken in the garden at school today and I could have sworn I heard him squawking Beethoven's Fifth.

I know you're feeling below the weather, Mama.

I'm almost seventy pounds!

Baba: Suzuki, I don't like that pile of stuff you keep over there.
Me: I hear what you're saying with an open mind, open heart...
Julian: And an open mouth.

Knitting isn't as "clockwork-ical" as crocheting.

That seaweed salad was top of the notch.

Going once, going twice, SOLD to the man with the walrus mustache!

What are volts?

I can roll my Rs now!

Mama, what's your favorite band? Mine is the birds chirping in the morning.

Dark looks and unusable hands.

Don't do that, Mama. I'm looking at you darkly.

How old do I have to be to go on a Vision Quest?

Me: Julian, stop arguing and get upstairs.
J: Fine. But, I'm bristling at you.

Me: Sorry for dragging my feet getting out the door to the party.

J: You put on your osmium-filled shoes, Mama. (Osmium is the heaviest element in the periodic table.) Then, you put on your helium-filled shoes, flew out the door, and Baba and I were like "what happened?"

Me: How do you like the cardamom in this galette?
J: It's kind of demanding, it kind of takes over a little too much.

(Singing): It is possible, but not practical, that I would have to do the dishes!

Everybody calls their side the "good guys."

Me: Julian, take smaller bites.
J: Why? We're not dainty Victorians.

In the 19th century, you used to be able to buy a hot cross bun for a ha'penny. That's one of the reasons it's getting harder and harder to pay for stuff with coins. You almost need a wheelbarrow of money now.

I saw two teenage boys walking together, both on their cell phones!

Laughing takes all the blood from my hands. It makes my hands unusable.

(While planting kale starts): Thrive! Be well! Be constrained no longer!

Me: I know how to make good banana bread.
J: Get on making it. I'm all mouths!

You can't be involved in politics and not know the F word.

Pew, that cheese is stinky! That really takes a toll on my mood.

To me, packing for a trip is related to hoarding: Hmm, maybe I'll need this and maybe I'll need that...

Julian: You could be the next president, Mama.
Suzuki: I don't think so. You could do it.
Julian: Nah, I'd be on Town Council. Or maybe Senator or Congress. Or the National Board of Education. Maybe I could improve the math program. Or maybe a judge. Nah...Town Council.

You can't be involved in politics and not know the F word.

I think I got more of Grandpa's genes than you.

Where the heck in tarnation is my other biking glove?

I'm going to draw my teacher a very fancy flower with a long taproot, like any self-respecting flower would have. There'll be a splash of color on the petals.

Funk music, old-fashioned people, and imperfection.

Mama, I discovered reading War and Peace and listening to Cameo do not mix.

I ran a mile in five minutes and 32 seconds. Is that good? Some people walk their laps. I can't imagine not running my laps. I tried and I couldn't. Even if I'm like, "My ankle hurts, I'm not going to be able to run my laps," I still end up running my laps. I don't know why.

Mama, would you rather be in a perfect situation in an imperfect world, or an imperfect situation in a perfect world?

I have a new mantra, "I clear my mind." You can use it, Mama.

What are yoga mats made of? (Plastic foam.) How did the old-fashioned people do yoga before these mats?

(At good-night tuck-in): Now leave me with my thoughts.

Get in Touch with Your Inner Gyroscope.

What's the gyroscope inside your body? Is that how you feel gravity? How you can tell if you're leaning forward or upside down?

I'm a boss at cleaning. You just got to get me to do it.

Suzuki: Why did you come down here--it's late?
Julian: My throat is parched.

I carved this sword at camp today. I Knight you: Super Poopy Annoying Mama!

Santa Claus should be smarter than to smoke, don't you think?

Open up your vocal chords, Mama. (Laaaa!) No, that's closing them. It's not good to close them unnecessarily. Seriously, we researched vocal chords and even saw a whole creepy slide show about them.

I pogo-sticked to school today. I did 111 in a row no-handed, and 444 with hands. At recess, I shot some baskets on my pogo stick.

(With foam yoga cylinder): Bam bam bam! (Suzuki: "I remember when you were small and I scolded you for pretending to shoot. You would say, "I'm shooting love" or "I'm shooting food to homeless people.") That's just what I was thinking about. I was just thinking it was a Bazooka Cornucopia. Bam bam bam--Hams! Bam Bam--Unripe Apples! Bam Bam--Exploding Grapefruits!

Do you want to see my Lego invention? I invented a new evolution of personal transportation. See, it's a modified jetpack...

Gnome Toilet

Suzuki: How did you size the spot for the candle in this ceramic holder you made a few years back?
Julian: I think it was supposed to be a gnome toilet originally.

When you record yourself, you can hear what you really sound like, not what you think you sound like in your mind. You always think you sound better in your mind than you actually do.

Tobi and I talk about music stuff all the time.

Suzuki: There are four new elements in the Periodic Table.
Julian: What are they? Pedaladium? Stratocastium?

Do you know why there are dimples on golf balls? Without them, they would travel half as far.

Suzuki: Roger and Ellen are such great people.
Julian: They're top-notch!

Do you know what happens when you have two candles and you blow between them? (They'll go out?) No. The tops of the flames will meet in the middle. (Why?) You don't know? (No.) You didn't learn about air pressure in school? Wow, you're not very well educated, Mama.

Let's do some competitive laughing.

Ah, you're reading my mind again, Mama. Lately, when I'm thinking something, you say it right then.

Music Theory and Foot Tape

You need some encouragement, Mama. I'm going to sprinkle some encouragement on you. (sprinkle, sprinkle)

Suzuki: "I thought you said you would get ready for bed right after ice cream."
Julian: "I actually am. I'm getting in the state of mind to get ready."

(On his guitar): Guess what chord this is, Mama? (I don't know.) It's an F. Do you think it's an F7? (I think so.) A dominant or diminished 7? (I don't know.) You know--if it sounds like this....it's dominant, if it sounds like this....it's diminished. You didn't KNOW that, Mama?!

Did you know that sharks close their eyes when they attack so they won't get scratched? They use electroceptors--I think that's what they're called. Did you know they can smell one drop of blood in 10 billions drops of water?

(On his piano): Do you know what chord I'm playing, Mama? (No.) It's a modified F to C chord.

(Gliding along the carpet): Don't you just LOVE foot tape? Wheeeeee!